Melissa's Eulogy

Thomas:

I know that this form of introduction is only given at weddings, so you might think it’s a bit callous or insensitive of me to use it at a funeral like this, but I just wrote this eulogy like five minutes ago so I didn’t exactly have enough time to develop a smashing intro. Anyway:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to commemorate the death of Melissa Meyer. Well, actually we’re here to commemorate the life of Melissa, but since life is not possible without death I guess really it’s an either/or situation. Besides, Melissa was kind of a morbid person so she might like it; to be honest I don’t care—I mean we’re going to commemorate something here, right, and who’ll remember whether it was a life or death in fifteen minutes anyway (I mean I know that as soon as I start eating those deviled eggs I’m not going to be thinking about anything else in this funeral).

Ok, well, yeah: Melissa, she’s dead now. It’s sort of sad, I suppose; I mean it wasn’t too sad. I mean, I don’t understand what the hell this person in the second row is crying all about; I was her best friend and you don’t see me losing it. For God’s sake get a grip on yourself. I mean I was there when she passed into that coma; I saw that errant windshield wiper launched from a nearby sudden car accident almost fly right through her head; I mean how do you think I felt when she, after recovering from such a near freak accident, tripped on the sidewalk just minutes later and fell into a coma? Well, actually now that I think about it I kind of laughed; she was a klutz you know, and I was just about to start mocking her for tripping over nothing in particular when I noticed that she wasn’t exactly recovering from the fall. Regardless, I was sad later; I mean I didn’t visit her in the hospital (I hate those Goddamn places) or anything and I most certainly didn’t interfere when her mom cut the cord on her life-support after only two days (hell, I would have done the same thing; she was a bitch after all, and I know FOR A FACT that if I were in a coma Melissa would have been just itching to pull my plug; I know she had it out for me straight from day one…).

Ok, I guess I said a couple of words about her life or something; I made a list of some stuff; hmmmm, let’s see. Oh here’s one! She was bent on world domination. Did you know that? Yeah who’s the saint now? I mean I’m telling you she’s no Mother Teresa , just ask that random guy she enslaved, Greg I think his name was. Yeah did you hear about that? She just pulled him off the street, pointed him out and declared, “You, midget person, what’s your name? Oh it doesn’t matter, you’re my slave now so come here and put these shackles on.” And she really did have real shackles, I mean they were metal and everything and came with one of those really old fashioned keys with the curly-cue ends, you know? Anyway, so yeah, I mean she had her negative sides, let me tell you. Um. Ok here’s another thing: she started the Glo-Green Initiative, which was kind of cool. I can’t remember the theory precisely but it involved exposing our children to radioactive waste in the hopes that their genes would mutate and their offspring might have an extra mouth, or arm, or possibly cancer, or something. It was a good program; it showed promise to the human race, which Melissa really wasn’t much of a fan of anyway. I mean, she actually approved of abortions not because she believed that women had full political rights over their bodies, but because getting abortions would limit the number of incoming humans, which she thought was really a crummy species marked by pandemic stupidity. You can’t really blame her for that; I mean about 97 per cent of the people in this room alone probably shouldn’t reproduce; heaven forbid if you did, I mean let our future generations have SOMETHING to look forward to.

Ok, well that pretty much sums up her life for you; it wasn’t really all that exciting now was it? Hmmmm, I suppose most people’s aren’t; that’s kind of sad, isn’t it? Whatever. Anyway, she gave this to me a long time ago and demanded that I read it at her funeral. It’s a little slip paper. It says, “Your coworkers take pleasure in your great sense of creativity.” There’s some lucky numbers or something on the back; they’re twenty-two, eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-three, forty-eight, and two. I think it’s just one of those things you get in a fortune cookie. How’s that for laziness for you? I mean she couldn’t even take the time to put together a proper last statement. Well that’s just how she was, I suppose.

Oh, I think her mom has an announcement to make; that’s nice isn’t it? Yeah, go ahead; take the podium.

Melissa’s Mother:

I just wanted to ask if anyone here had any Tylenol; my head is just killing me today. I think it’s all the potpourri this funeral parlor put out; if I had known they were going to include this shit, I’d have gone to the place down the street instead. But yeah, if anyone has any Tylenol, I’d really appreciate it if you lent me some. Thanks.

Thomas:

Yeah that potpourri really sucks; who the hell uses that stuff anyway?

Melissa’s Mother:

Yeah I know! I mean we have to contend with a dead person here; you’d think they would be a bit more considerate. It’s not bad enough that my daughter’s passed away; oh no, I have to put up with this fruity garbage as well.

Thomas:

Yeah; I think Margaret has some Tylenol for you over there.

Melissa’s Mother:

Oh thank God; coming Margaret.

Thomas:

Ok well I know everyone has stuff to do, so I guess I’ll wrap it up. Melissa. She was really great wasn’t she? Yeah. I’ll miss her, I guess. I mean she really helped me pass the time; I know I would have been SO bored had she not been present in my life. Yeah. Well that’s that I guess; there’s some cheesecake in the atrium, I think. I’m going to go get a slice. So…yeah…

-Thomas