Thomas's Eulogy

In Memory of...uh...Thomas… Johnston

So...yeah. Hi there, folks. As Thomas’s friend--that’s me Melissa--in youth, I prepared a little thingy about him being worm food. Anyway, so I know we’ve all been prepared for this day to come for what seems like an eternity, and it finally arrived. Thomas Johnston died on this year of 2081, December 24th--that must have sucked (pause for laughter)--due to the tragic accident that occurred. As you all know, the two pilots armed with the nuclear bomb assigned to be dropped on Turkey (the country), got into a fierce argument about the suckiness of banana flavored candy and accidentally released the bomb ahead of schedule and completely off-target. The bomb fell upon the cranium of the departed--but luckily did not detonate--as Thomas’s body successfully cushioned the impact. All around were relieved, but we, us here, lost…a person.

Mr. Johnston was a very successful bloke throughout his life; he brought about changes to the entire world. As we all know, he alone brought an end to AIDS research, and I think we can all agree it was a long time coming. It was he that said: “What is this AIDS? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s an excuse to be lazy!” Many of us admired him for that. He also was the man who warned the world about the dangers of giraffes. He wanted posterity to know about the giraffes’s innate ability to scalp human beings. And it was he who replaced the dangerous creatures completely with origami likenesses. Now, when we take our children on safaris we can know that as they try and feed the paper giraffes they’re safe. Or in his words: “What are these giraffes? I’ll tell you what they are, they’re evil monstrous beings, jealous of our full heads of hair--beware!” Yes, he was a bit repetitive, a bit useless, but it's what we came to know and tolerate.

So, you know being his best friend, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been satisfied if you all left not knowing about me. I as you know, am Melissa the Great; you could probably tell by the glowy light that surrounds my head. I took over the world a few years ago. I’m the reason cavities no longer exist and we all eat cake every morning. I just recently cured leprosy last month while simultaneously releasing my book In the Life of Me: What It Feels Like to be Awesome, which is a New York Times best seller--thank you. Soon I’ll be going on my book signing tour, so look out, I may be coming to your town soon!

Oh yeah, well I guess we should get back to this little thing here...Uh...Where were we? Oh yeah. I guess...so...he wanted, also, to make sure his final words were known to all; they were these: Visit our blog at freepoundcake.blogspot.com. They’re definitely lasting words that we will keep in mind for at least another minute or so; after all, he usually had that effect on people.

We all experienced a great loss with his parting: he was a great target for insults. I mean it was so easy to make fun of him, no kidding. It’ll really be hard to find someone else that fills that role like he did. Sometimes I would just laugh and laugh and laugh at his expense with complete strangers. I can attest that it really blows to have to find someone else now who is such a big dork. I don’t know if I ever will.

Anyway, none felt his loss more than his wonderful mother, who said only “Thank God we took out that insurance policy when we did.” I think we can all sympathize with that--especially since we know his will is bound to be really disappointing.

And of course we must appreciate that Thomas had some pretty stupid religious beliefs. It is at this point that we have to recognize them as if they were important. Thomas would have liked that. Anyway, so if you’ll all take your glasses of Koolaid and add the hemlock, you can drink it, and I’ll simply supervise. Thomas would have called this The Drinking of the Poison. We can all meditate on the possible meanings behind that as you all drink.

Thomas Johnston is a name we will never forget, at least, you know like for today. As his best friend, Melissa, I can attest that Thomas was a unique person. He may not have been athletic, or particularly skilled, or very pleasant--but he was definitely human. He couldn’t cook rice unless he was being supervised. He really made irritating conversation with all he came into contact ; I’m sure we all wanted to kill ourselves at some point. Still, Thomas was a person who did things and said stuff, but most importantly he lived life, he lived life until the day he died.

Oh and by the way, the event today is being catered. There are some lovely finger foods in the reception area, and don’t forget to get your parking validated. Oh, finally, if anyone else is here to get out of jury duty, remember to get a copy of the death certificate. So...let’s join together and totally get our grub on.

-Melissa